Get Her Off: A Brief (ish) Lesson

Let's think about a typical random (heterosexual) Sewanee hook up. Sally and Chester go back to Sally's room after a night of drinking at Sigma Chi. After sloppily making out for approximately 45 seconds, Chester decides to feel Sally up. From there, things progress quickly to third base. Chester might finger Sally. Chances are pretty decent that Sally gives Chester a blow job. However, we would hesitate to assume that Chester reciprocates by performing oral sex on Sally. In our observations guys do not seem as willing as women to give oral sex. Why is this? Let's get back to Chester and Sally. Let's assume Sally and Chester end up having (hopefully protected) sex. Considering the fact that they've been drinking, the sex is probably a little sloppy, that is, if Chester doesn't have "whiskey dick" and can get it up. Assuming Chester is not a victim of drunk penis, it is highly likely that Chester will have an orgasm, while the chances of Sally getting off are significantly smaller. Are we right? Yeah, we thought so. Why is this? Why do guys almost always climax while women are hard pressed to find a guy who can help them get off. Now guys, if you're thinking, "whatever, I'm the man. Every girl I hook up with screams my name and begs for more," news flash: in case you haven't seen When Harry Met Sally, women really good at faking it. All you guys out there, take a minute to think about how many girls you’ve hooked up with and ponder about how many might have been faking it and then telling all their friends about how you just couldn’t hit that right spot….feeling a bit inadequate? Even if you are pretty decent in bed and are, in fact, capable of helping your partner orgasm, there's always room for improvement. We’ve got instructions and a great idiot proof diagram to help you along.

A Disclaimer: What follows are tips and instructions to help a woman achieve orgasm. That said, do not forego foreplay, it is essential to help a woman get all hot and bothered and ready for the earth shattering good time you should be able to give her after our helpful hints. Be sure to not underestimate the fun of making out, it is a fun and frisky way of getting in the mood. Also, stroking, petting, rubbing, even through clothes are also good ways to warm a woman up.

So get ready because here we go!

Alright, rule number one: Find the clitoris. (See the above diagram) We can not stress the importance of this enough. The clitoris, located ABOVE the vaginal opening but BELOW the point of the pubic bone, is the only part of the human body, male or female, that is designed solely for pleasure. It’s a bump/mound about the size of a small pea or bean… if you’re having trouble finding it, she should be able to guide you to the right spot. Ladies, if you haven’t found it yet… grab a mirror- you’ll know when you’ve found it and you’ll never be the same again. In other words, consider the clitoris as the gateway to the female orgasm.

Rule number two: The clitoris is not a doorbell. Just because you press it or poke it repeatedly does not mean an orgasm will come to the door. You have to love the clitoris, stroke it, rub it, but gently. You can either touch the clitoris directly or through the inner labia- the area around the clitoris. This less direct stimulation will be sufficient for lots of women. When touching the clitoris it is important to try to use your middle and ring fingers, these fingers tend to be smoother and softer than pointer fingers. There are several techniques one can use when stimulating the clitoris; some of these include: a simple up and down stroking, sided to side, making a figure-eight around the clitoris, or rubbing the sides of the clitoris.

Also important to note is that all of these techniques can be replicated with your tongue! Oral sex can be fantastic for women, it’s just that men don’t or won’t usually do it. Stimulating the clitoris with your tongue can be a very effective way to bring a woman to orgasm. Just don’t lap your tongue, you’re not a dog, a vagina is not a water dish. That said, don’t try to penetrate a woman with your tongue, unless you’re that Kiss guy, it’s not gonna do much. The pressure required varies from woman to woman so we would say it’s safer to start out with a softer touch and she will probably guide you from there and if she doesn’t, ask! She will appreciate your consideration of her pleasure it could even bring about some sexy instructions!

Rule number three: Penetration does not feel good for everyone woman. Translation, there is a potential that if you are fingering a girl, she hates it. Some girls find issue with fingernails, others with the lack of stimulation (are your penis and your fingers of equal size? I should hope not), and some just straight up don’t like it. That said, don’t just shove your fingers in her vagina and expect her to love it and get off. This is another situation where asking would be appropriate.

Rule number four: Should she enjoy manual penetration (fingering), stimulate the G-Spot. Debates are still ongoing about the true nature of this sought after erogenous zone, some women find it very stimulating. Here’s how to find it: with the woman facing you and your fingers inside her vagina, curve your fingers as if you are motioning for something to come, so to speak, towards you. It would feel like you’re hooking your fingers under her pubic bone, from the inside. Some say it feels like a spongy almond. If you stimulate it properly, it can bring about an earth-shattering orgasm.

Keep in mind that all women are different and will enjoy different levels of pressure, stimulation, and penetration – it all comes down to communication. So don’t be afraid to ask, experiment, and hopefully help your partner achieve the ultimate in her sexual Sewanee experience. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll do the same for you.